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Night Vision…

03/10/2015

NIGHT VISION OR:  HOW THEY LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND CONFRONT THE CAR

Hobgoblin  Comedy_Mark Dawson Photography_DSC6440

Photo by http://www.markdawsonphotos.co.uk/ at @HobgoblinComedy

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Night vision was the most important thing to me as a child. It meant I could see in the dark, an ability unavailable to me during the first five minutes of darkness. It was a precious commodity in my house because we weren’t allowed to turn on lights bulbs for less than 2 minutes, apparently it used up more energy to turn it on than it took to be on for 2 minutes. So if you wanted a drink in the middle of the night you’d have to go in the dark, trusting your night vision, boasting the acuity of a dinosaur looking at a statue. That is a reference to the Jurassic Park theory that the T-Rex has vision based on movement, and if you stand perfectly still it won’t see you; a similar myth spread around the rabbit community about cars. It’s a ludicrous reaction and one of a multitude of reasons why I don’t get on with rabbits. Rats in fancy dress. Standing still in the face of danger is by far the worst choice you can make. At the end of a first date you either make the decision to go in for the kiss, or you leave and pretend it’s because you’re a gentleman. You don’t just stand there, staring at them like they’ve just killed a goat. Squirrels are the opposite, in survival situations, not on dates.

It’s called fight or flight, they’re supposed to be the two options you have when confronted with danger. It’s true, the last time someone wanted to punch me I booked a holiday to make myself feel better. Squirrels evolved to treat an open area as a danger zone, because it leaves them easily visible to predators, so the most successful survival strategy was to not look and just run as fast as they could across the open space. Like people in Ikea. That’s why so many squirrels get run over. To be fair, the other option the squirrels have isn’t likely to work out well with a car. You can’t fight a car. Unless you’re my niece. So perhaps the rabbits have got it right? When confronted with a speeding car it shouldn’t be fight or flight. It should be fight, flight or be forthright. Those rabbits are being really forthright, potentially suicidal but unwilling to make the decision themselves, putting the onus on you to run them over because they know that if they stand still the wheels will go either side of them and they’ll be unharmed. If a rabbit was on a date with you they’d make no moves but be wearing cherry chapstick. You’d know they’re ready for a kiss and if you didn’t kiss them it’s because you were chicken and not them. That’s why the T-Rex isn’t respected, Sam Neill gave her the option to eat him and she bottled it.

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