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Trying to make a little money on the side… 1

12/27/2010

As someone hoping to progress as a performer of stand up comedy I am keen to exploit new opportunities that others don’t think of. All those other comedians with their foolish ideas of how to progress (doing gigs, writing new material, telling other people that they thought they were funny) are wasting their time. The idiots. There is an unexpected niche for almost anything, you just have to be willing to fill that niche.

David Gray was never really that popular until he learnt that his music was useful for clearing out a party or torturing suspected terrorists. It’s why he brought out the concept album “Don’t Let A Terrorist Ruin Your Party, I’ll Do It For You.”

It’s why I’ve decided to start exploring the niche possibilities for stand-up comedy. This way I can get what I really crave from stand-up: cold-hard cash. Creative integrity can suck a fuck.

from Stuart Laws
to roberto.mancini@mcfc.co.uk
cc mcfc@mcfc.co.uk,
info@mcfc.co.uk
date Mon, Dec 27, 2010 at 2:43 PM
subject Job Offer – Comedy
mailed-by googlemail.com
Dear Manchester City,

I perform stand-up comedy and am looking for further gigs and new venues to play. Aware that you are now saving 30k a week in not paying all of Craig Bellamy’s wages I would like to propose that I am hired to put on a comedy performance for the first team squad each week: to maintain morale. I would only require 10k a week (negotiable). If you require further information I can put together a business proposal with a few sample jokes. Below is one, simply to whet your whistle.

I recently went on a ship tour of Lapland but the water was very rough.
It was a “Roque Santa Cruz” (Rocky Santa Cruise) (Roque Santa Cruz is one of your first team squad – he’s from Paraguay. I think.)…

I like forward to hearing from you,

Stuart Laws
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5 Comments leave one →
  1. 12/28/2010 6:14 pm

    I like this a lot. The Roque Santa Cruz joke reminds me of the time I threw a snake at a Leeds United striker. “Tony! Your boa!” I shouted, as it lolled through the air at him.

    • 12/28/2010 6:25 pm

      Yeah? Well I recently indulged in some breast support made from cannabis. What’s that you ask? “Did a drugbra?” (Didier Drogba)

      • 12/28/2010 6:34 pm

        At this time of year it’s worth remembering those who can’t afford sophisticated electronic appliances. Struggling to afford more elaborate Christmas presents, many people even end up gifting internet cables made from the frozen urine of former Middlesbrough strikers in a hut on top of a small hill. Sadly, a knoll wee LAN is often all they can afford (Noel Whelan).

      • 12/28/2010 9:28 pm

        Can’t be topped

  2. Mark permalink
    01/01/2011 11:44 pm

    Reading the comments is like sustaining a conversation with Stuart Bevan.

    Anyway, gotta Bale.

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