The Laws & Hannant Sessions – New episodes
The fifth episode of the wildly popular and critically acclaimed podcast “The Laws & Hannant Sessions” is now online. Get to http://lawsandhannant.podomatic.com to find out what ALL the fuss is about.
The Laws & Hannant Sessions – Bognor Regis
So David Hannant and myself thought it wise to put our thoughts to audio tape and have produced a weekly podcast. Here is episode 2:
The Laws & Hannant Sessions – Tomatoes
I have started a weekly podcast with my Edinburgh show-mate David Hannant. It’s only 10 minutes long, you might as well give it a go.
Young Ornithologist of The Year 1993
I never won the Young Ornithologist of The Year Award in 1993. I wasn’t even nominated. I even doubt that it is or even was a real thing. I do like the concept of someone being so good at appreciating birds that another person felt it necessary to honour them. This blog post is so called though because it is the one legitimately weird, fringe activity that I took part in when I was a child. It is the one thing that makes me an outsider and I feel I should cling to it. Because everything else about me is desperately normal and agonisingly bland.
By Dan Cornelius - @imdancornelius
It didn’t last long and no-one noticed, so I think I got away with it. I feel an affinity to birds, more than most other animals and even recently shared a moment with an owl that has deeply affected me. For as long as I can remember, whenever I see a bird do something good, I think:
“Go on sunshine! Fucking show us how to do it.”
I’m not obsessed with them, I don’t lure them into my house or stuff them and display them. But they’re great, the names of them are great: Blue-Footed Boobie, Darwin’s Rhea, the Kookaburra. Because all of those names are nicknames that I have at some point given to my semi-automatic firearms.
Kookaburra, I like saying that: kookaburra. If you’re reading this you should try pronouncing it in as many ways as possible. I put the emphasis on the first ‘a’ and the second ‘r’. The kookaburra consumed cognac in the chalet. The kookaburra collected crepes continually. The kookaburra’s kooky cook cooked coq-au-burra. The burra being a small shrub native to Western Australia. So it’s chicken to the shrub. Just how the kookaburra’s kooky cook liked to cook it. The best thing about that is that ‘au’ is the two letter abbreviation commonly used for Australia, according to the ISO 3166 standard, and the kookaburra is native to Australia. So if you spoke in a mixture of French, ISO 3166 and English coq-au-burra means chicken-Australia-shrub. Au is also Aragonese (a language spoken by around 10,000 people in Spain) for bird. So if you spoke in a mixture of French, Aragonese and English coq au burra means chicken-bird-shrub. And that’s why we say: “to laugh like a kookaburra brings great joy to the Spanish.”
I also like how smart birds are but how easy it can be to perplex them. Even to perplex them with perspex. To take a minor bird, stick it in front of a sheet of perspex and just say:
“Go on then mate, do something with that.”
Which they inevitably struggle with until they realise they can see their reflection in it and they are suddenly doing something with the perspex. Specifically bobbing back and forth, wondering why another minor bird is strutting about like a prick in front of them. And toucans, toucans are awesome because they are so ridiculously beaked. Apparently if a toucan doesn’t mate it will die. But I’d argue that even if a toucan was to mate it is still very unlikely to achieve immortality. Even if a toucan was to pose for a portrait by some enigmatic artist and told to keep the portrait up in a loft I would still doubt its claims to being able to avoid death’s pallid grasp. Particularly because, despite the fact that most people think those beaks are delightfully pretty things, I happen to know that they’re just very advanced beak tumours.
I still am continually delighted by birds though and wish I could be better to them, my one major contribution to the ornithological world this year was to accidentally run one over near the sea. I thought, that’s terrible, that bird’s baby didn’t deserve to become an orphan. After all: one good tern deserves a mother.
As I seek to wrap up this flight of fancy I draw your attention to two more examples of birds dicking all over humans. Firstly, The Secretary Bird has such a strong character that it has managed to resist the calls to rename it The Personal Assistant Bird. Finally, when crows are shown dropping nuts onto zebra crossings so that cars drive over them and crush the shells before having to stop for the traffic lights allowing the crows to fly back and eat the nuts I think it’s brilliant. I’ve sat at home with no nutcracker a bag of nuts and been stumped. I forlornly wandered around my flat looking for something to crush nuts. I Googled it. I sent a text to that Any Question Answered service. They suggested I run over it with my car. I sent a text back telling them I won’t reduce myself to the level of a crow thank you very much.
EVIDENCE DH187
I had a rather lovely time at the Edinburgh Fringe in 2011. It was my first full-run and the first show I had taken there. I got to share that show with two of my best friends in comedy Anna Freyberg and David Hannant. They’re both very funny and you should book them for your gigs. If someone who is booking gigs is reading this.
I would say I achieved three things I am proud of…
- Did a gig with Stuart Baggs
- Went to a silent disco
- Made a short film
Yeah, a short film. I ensured the biggest ‘name’ in the film doesn’t get a line. But he does get to wear a nice dressing gown. So who is the real winner?
Edinburgh 2011 Video
This is a cut down version of my Edinburgh set. Some of it doesn’t work so well on video – mainly because you can’t see who I’m talking to at times but if you imagine you are in the room and can see the people I’m talking to at the start then I’m sure you’ll agree it seems like fun.
11 Shows I Intend To See at Edinburgh 2011
I’m not pretending to be an expert but seeing as I will be up in Edinburgh this year I thought I would mention shows that I think/know will be great and recommend them to anyone who does accidentally stumble upon this blog. So, with links to the official Fringe website in their titles and, in no particular order…
1.
JAMES ACASTER – AMONGST OTHER THINGS
Effortlessly hilarious and fascinating to listen to. Will be one of the shows you encourage all your friends to go see.
2.
Original, enthralling and really bloody funny.
3.
JON RICHARDSON: IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU
I loved his last show and won’t be able to see this one so need someone to go and then tell me all the best bits.
4.
Any show that promises the best of both Boyd & Metcalfe will get my money. Even better that it’s free. Funny, alternative (good alternative) storytellers.
5.
Very excited to be seeing this. It’s a sketch show by two sisters about two sisters performing sketches. They’re hilarious, this will be too.
6.
ALUN COCHRANE – MOMENTS OF ALUN
One of my favourite stand-ups that I’ve somehow never seen. Really very funny, and it’s at The Stand – which is great.
7.
MATTHEW CROSBY – ADVENTUREPARTY
Was lucky enough to see his preview a few weeks ago and it was the funniest and most enjoyable hour I’ve experienced in quite a while. If you like Nando’s then it’s a MUST-SEE.
8.
Daniel is a socially awkward man but he’s also charming, hilarious and award-winning. Can’t wait to see this.
9.
JAY COWLE & PAUL DUNCAN MCGARRITY – NONSENSE DUET
Original, passionate and most importantly very funny. Jay’s the contemplative one, Paul’s the one that probably contemplates when he gets home (things like: I wonder if that man was upset when I screamed in his face).
10.
Quite simply my favourite show from last year: emotional, frenzied, really fucking funny. I believe in two things and one of them is that his show this year will be fantastic.
11.
RICHARD RYCROFT – THE SONGS I’LL NEVER SING
I’ve told you all before but I’ll say it again: Richard’s show is a beautiful, contemplative and most importantly funny hour. Go see.
That’s my TOP 11 (remember: in no particular order). But other shows I’ll almost definitely be going to and also deserve a mention: Sean McLoughlin, Tony Law, Lou Sanders, Caroline Mabey and Romesh Ranganathan, Hatty Ashdown and also Matthew Highton.
Voices – a short film
I made this in 2007. It has been too long since I last made a short film and so I plan to change this in Edinburgh.
EDINBURGH 2011
I haven’t really written any actual blog posts for a while, just posting videos. Mainly because I’ve been busy, partly with preparing for the pilgrimage to Edinburgh in August.
So I will be, with the help of the very funny Anna Freyberg & David Hannant, putting on a show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival from August 5th-27th. Website with details here…
Battlestar Galactica joke
This is a joke I wrote a while ago and, despite Chris Boyd’s insistence that I should perform it as soon as possible, I only built up the courage to do so the other night. It was at a preview for my Edinburgh fringe show “It’s Two O’ Clock Live At Two O’ Clock” and I didn’t even plan on doing it. I hope the joke goes down better online than it did live.
